Journal Entry: Fri Oct 17, 2014, 9:26 PM
I'm going to have a little change of pace in this journal. Its mostly reflection and inquiry, and I am looking for opinions from anyone that chooses to give.
I was thinking about high school, generally the absolute best or absolute worst times in any teenagers life. I personally did have fun times and good times, but for the most part high school fed the fire inside of me to hate humanity for their faults. I know I myself was kind of a brat, but I would watch others around me take talent or intelligence and throw it all away with a bad attitude or stupid behavior. Of course, I can't think of a single person I knew that didn't partake in something they maybe shouldn't have every once in a while, myself being no exception.
A lot of the people I knew, once they got in trouble, they tried to find excuses to get out of said trouble. I am assuming we all do this, but these are high schoolers. Most of them have no idea what they are doing when they get in trouble, especially if they have been caught with drugs or alcohol or some other illegal and possibly immoral act. Since I was my friends' therapist, they would come to me and tell me how much they hate their parents or "the system" because it was so unfair to them because they shouldn't get their cell phone taken away because they were doing something they knew they shouldn't have been doing. Or they couldn't hang out with their friends for two weekends. Or - god forbid - got more chores.
The single easiest way I have found to make people hate me is to tell them the truth. My response was almost always: You knew you shouldn't have done that. You got caught. Now its time to take your punishment. Of course, those weren't my exact words; I would try to be nice. But always by the end of the conversation, the other person would be so angry with me. How dare I tell them that they shouldn't have been doing said thing that they shouldn't have been doing? How audacious of me! We aren't friends anymore, and I am going to tell everyone else in the group about what you did! This put me on very bad terms with many of the people that I knew. That did not mean that I ever stopped what I was doing. Because a few months later they would come right back to me for more advice or to complain about something new.
Now to switch to a few ideas a little more specific, but not quite on the same lines. Situation number one: I had presented this amazing idea to my friends. They thought it was amazing too! We were going to create a big club project in Japanese so we could share it with the school. I had already passed the idea with the teachers necessary and everything. And then the girls I had been talking to about the idea decided to have a conversation without me one day that I wasn't available. They stole the idea from me even though everyone knew it had been my idea, changed it, then refused to even give me credit for it at all. As if I had never existed. I pleaded with other friends and teachers, but no one took my side. Everyone told me to just get over it. So I tried to. I tried to make peace with the girls and sucked up my pride and asked for a part in the project. They denied me, saying all the spaces were filled. I cried. It was the first time a creative idea of mine had been stolen from me and no one even respected me at all. This showed me that people are selfish and the world is cruel. I persisted though, I continued to be nice to the people that hurt me and tried to be their friends. Eventually, without my thorough plans for the idea, their project fell apart. I regret not fighting for the idea more, though it seems so trivial now. Even still, this haunts me in many things I do. I don't feel like I can write or draw anything without looking to make sure no one has had things similar to it in the past.
Situation number two: For a while, I took a lot of pride in the fact that I was in the high school orchestra. I was one of the best 2nd violins in the group. Well, my teacher wanted to make me a 1st for a long time, but I kept protesting - the 2nds needed my leadership, otherwise nothing was going to get done. Which, for a long time, was very true. Last two years, I was in 1st because she needed my sound to be there. We had almost twice as many 2nds as we did 1sts. I did not argue, she was my teacher. Later, I had been promised a certain position: 1st chair of the 2nd violin section. Something that was long overdue to belong to me. But it was only for one performance. My teacher even had said that that was my chair by right. She put me there. And then it got taken from me by some very bitter underclassmen. I was upset that I was given this, but it was taken away anyway. She threw a fit. So I threw a fit right back. I told her it was given to me, she said she earned it. Of course, her side was taken by the group. So I sucked it up and sat in the back. She came back to me later and told me that if I was going to be such a baby about it I could just have it. Was I being a baby? Admittedly yes. Do I remember where I sat now? No, because it is totally irrelevant because I stopped playing. However, back then it was a big deal. All of my friends made fun of me for not having a good chair. Even if I was the best of the worst group, I was still the best of something, or at least that was how it worked in my mind. None of them ever though about how much it hurt me that they put me down like that. I never cared what chair I had until all my friends made fun of me for it.
Situation number three: This is the most recent situation, and has nothing to do with high school, but everything to do with the point I will eventually get around to making. Recently, I redyed my hair. It is bright fucking magenta fading into a nice Merida orange. I like it a lot. Before I did it, though, I checked through Walgreens policy on hair color. I even asked managers if it would be ok. Policy said it was ok, managers said it was ok. Store manager? Not ok. I don't particularly like facial piercings, but I also don't judge the customer service the person has on their piercings, whether I like it or not. Same goes for hair color, no matter how strange. For that matter, same goes for hair styles. He demanded I change it and I even felt like he was harassing me a little about it. Not the first time I felt victimized by this guy either. My brother wrongfully was arrested and I had to take a few days off to babysit my littlest brother. He was absolutely heartless about the situation. He demanded I schedule things better because he couldn't have me missing days because he was understaffed. But that was because he never fucking hired anyone else because he didn't want to spend the store's budget to hire enough competent staff. But anyway, he STILL doesn't have enough staff, but he thinks he can bully people. I should have stayed and stood up for myself. But instead, I walked away. I quit.
So one of my biggest regrets in life is running away and not standing up for myself when I knew that I should have. People told me I should just get over it and let it go instead of standing up for what I knew was right. Why did I do it? I didn't want people to hate me or think I was a bitch.
My question is: Is there any case where you SHOULDN'T stand up for yourself? Is there any case where standing up for yourself might actually be wrong? Or should you always stand up for yourself, no matter what the situation is and no matter who you have to do it to?
Feel free to share personal or fictional examples